Signs You May Be Too Wealthy

- You don't have to reserve a flight because you own the airport. - When you empty your pockets, you stuff your spare hundred dollar bills in a jar. Then you throw the rest of your change in the trash. - You have the Federal Reserve Bank on speed dial. - You own several paintings in the Louvre. - You own the Louvre. - Your satellite TV package includes channels from outside our solar system. - You're considering buying Australia for your kids to play in. - You decide against it, because when you bought them Greenland last year they got bored.

Just wondering...

- Is a civil war really all that "civil?" - How come whenever they build a Xerox building an identical building appears right next to it? - If the guy next you were on fire, would you criticize him for smoking? - Can you make the bed with an Excel spreadsheet? - Why can a golfer carry fourteen clubs when a baseball player is only allowed to use one? - How come people whose lucky number is "three" only buy one Lotto ticket? - If a million people bought a song but never listened to it, would it still be a hit song? - Can you mail a silent letter?

Thinking of you, dad.

Don - November 12, 1925 - July 16, 2004

Study Show Txt Msgng Keepps Pepl Frromm Spelingg Ritte

About the proposed new U.S. off-shore oil drilling...

Q) Does anybody else know that nobody knows if there's any oil or natural gas in these spots to begin with? Q) Does anybody else know that if there is oil, it would take between eight and fourteen years before it is produced? Q) Does anybody else know that if the proposed off-shore new oil drilling produces oil and natural gas, all of that new product would account for only less than one percent of the total world oil production? Q) Does anybody else know this???!!!

Just wondering...

- If every one of the billion people in India jumped up in the air at the same time, would the Earth be knocked out of orbit when they landed? - What letter comes after Z? - If you spell out any number when you write it, like seven, for instance, is it still a number? Or is it just a word? - What do coal miners wear on casual Friday? - Right next to the Mayo Clinics, why not open the Miracle Whip clinics as an alternate source of medicine? - Way back when the world was flat, did anybody ever fall off? - Has anything ever grossed out a dog? - What part of George Washington was the Washington Monument supposed to look like?

From Craig Ferguson (The Late, Late Show - CBS)

"What does a Scottish man wear under his kilt?" "On a good day, lipstick."

Somewhere in the world today...

- A child spoke its first words to its parents. - A generous person helped others in need. - A golfer wrote a 5 on his scorecard when he really got a 7. - A dog lifted his leg on his owner's best pair of pants. - A man tried to spit out the car window, but forgot the window was closed.

Talking Guy With Bluetooth Headset Not Really Talking On Phone

Voices. It's the voices again.

Recipe: Bachelor's Salad

This is a quick and easy recipe for any guy on the go. Ahem... Here it is: Standing by the kitchen sink, set one small, round head of lettuce on a relatively clean area. Get a bottle of salad dressing out of the refrigerator. Open it. Hold the salad dressing in your right hand. Pick up the head of lettuce with your left hand. Pour a few drops of dressing over the top of the head of lettuce. Bring the lettuce to you your mouth and take a chomp out of it, making sure you get both lettuce and dressing in your mouth. Let any runoff drip into the sink. Repeat the pouring and chomping process until you've had enough. Put the lettuce and dressing back into the refrigerator and rinse the sink. That's all there is to it. Feel free to share this recipe with your friends!

Supreme Court: 'Loaded Grenade Launchers OK for U.S Citizens'

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, "It is easier and quicker for people confronting strangers in their homes to operate a grenade launcher with their arms while dialing 911 with their big toe than to simply dial 911." Writing for the minority, Justice Steven Breyer scribbled something about the U.S. going to hell in a hand-basket.

Non-Celebrity Turned Away from Los Angeles Rehab Center

Dick Cheney still seems to be missing...

(If you see him, tell him to call home.)

CBS Nixes "Survivor: The Hamptons" Idea

Explorers Discover Job Opening In Michigan

(Rumored job opening in Ohio proven to be a hoax.)

West African Talking Drum Begs, "Stop hitting me!"

It could happen...

"Why are you crouching on the floor?" "Because the sign by the pillows says 'Duck Down.'"

A Great TV Ad Campaign

The E-Trade baby campaign is brilliant... How important is good copywriting? Play the ads with the sound turned off. Bleaahhh! It's the writing that makes a good advertisement great.

The Differences Between Men and Women In Pictures

Nice Words

The nicest sentence in the English language may be: "I'm content."

Economists Baffled As Stock Market Closes Day Sideways

Wall Street analyst: "This is totally going to ruin all our graphs."

Pedophile Priest Tried In Court As White Collar Criminal

Victims want to string a tie around his neck.

Question:

Has anybody seen Dick Cheney lately? Just wondering.

What you did in the bar last night when you got too drunk...

-Told a girl you'd give her a free table dance. Found out she was actually a biker guy with long hair when he picked up the table and threw it at you. -Ate all the food at the free buffet. Found out you actually ate all the bartender's martini olives from his dish when you immediately had to sprint to the bathroom. - While you were in the bathroom, wondered why there were no urinals. So you asked the screaming lady coming out of the stall. -Forgot all your good pickup lines. May have asked pretty girl to come home with you so you could "show her your itchings." -Told a girl with a really big nose that the surgery will look great when the swelling goes down. -Loaned a guy the keys to your car to go get some beer. -Realized the guy may have lied to about the beer because you were already in a bar, but mostly because your car was gone when tried to leave.

TV Listings

Ch. 753 - "When Wealthy Babies Attack" An elite New England town is upended when its infants have a bad reaction to Baby Botox and try to gnaw their parents to death with their gums.

Report: Disney Corporation To Lock Miley Cyrus Behind Bars Until Her 18th Birthday

She'll be allowed out for Disney events only.

Overheard...

In the olden days, ancient Egyptians simply called themselves "Egyptians." (Craig Ferguson, the Late, Late Show)

Dog Logic

"If you just glued the cat into my bowl, we could both save a lot of time." "What are you staring at? I lick myself there because I can."

Puns. Bad Ones...

OK. These are just ... bad. But puns are supposed to be bad. So, they're doing their job. These are from sillypuns.com... Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?" Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers. When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?" A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill." A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here" Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Blaze and Leo. And cancer...

Leo (above) and Blaze (below) This is one of very few entries in this blog in which I'll use the first person "I." I have to talk about this, and it's the only way I can do it. I've just learned one of my dogs has cancer. But this is not, "Aw, hell, another dumb-ass guy whining about cancer story. Where's my Internet porn? What'd the stock market do today?" So stick with me for a minute. Besides, the story's not over. It may have a happy ending. Half-a-dozen years ago my ex-wife left me for another man. She married him and they started a family. After my ex-wife sneaked out of the house -- she emptied the bank account and took the car and... whatever -- after that, I went into what they call "clinical depression." I made about five bad decisions during this period that caused me to drink more vodka than half of Russia, stop eating, refinance my home at double the mortgage rate, lose my freelance job, declare bankruptcy, lose my house, get hospitalized for two days for anemia, and live as a homeless guy in a motel for a year. Oh, yeah. My dad died four months before they took my house, too. So, it was bad. Really bad.  In my mind, there really wasn't much reason to keep going. So, what kept me going? Blaze and Leo. Blaze (female) and Leo (male) are angels in the form of border collie dogs. They are probably responsible for saving my life. How did they do that? Well, I followed them. People said, "You're going to have to get rid of the dogs, you know." Sorry, but no. No way. I made my life decisions based on not giving up my dogs. I stopped all drinking. I moved into a motel that accepted dogs. My first couple of weeks in the motel, I was so weak from my anemia that I hardly had the energy to get out of bed. I ate only four of my first seven days there. Still, I walked the dogs three times a day. I gained my physical strength back. Soon, I ran my dogs around the motel parking lot once a day. As a continued to gain strength I reached out to people for help. Many people helped me and my border collies. After a year in the motel I moved in with a friend in another suburb. But he couldn't house Blaze and Leo. What to do? I was able to arrange for them to live temporarily in three foster homes, with families who loved dogs. I'm not going to use real names here, but the third home was "Barbara's." Barb did much more than take in Blaze and Leo. She helped me find a job in the same suburb, and moved me into an apartment that allows dogs. (She's an angel in human form, but the Barb and me story is another wonderful one I'll talk about another time.) I am in my suburban apartment typing this. I have a job. Blaze and Leo are lying comfortably on the floor as I write. But four days ago, Barb and I took Blaze to the vet to have a fatty tumor removed from her left front leg. No big deal. In and out with a bandage and stitches. But they found cancer in that god damned tumor! The vet was not able to get all the cancer out during the surgery. I've just learned this today. Blaze and Leo are two dogs, younger than 10 years old, but after ...  1.) Helping me recover from illness and, ultimately, homelessness, and 2.) Being perfect animal companions who have brought love everywhere they have been to many people... Give me the frigging cancer! Blaze does not deserve this. She embodies nothing but goodness. But she has been chosen to suffer. Or maybe not... Blaze is a candidate for maybe another operation, or maybe radiation treatment, or maybe amputation. Yes, amputation. All I can do is continue to love them and care for them. I will update you when I learn more. P.S. How can an agnostic like me talk about angels so freely? Because my agnosticism is not like the word as it is defined in the dictionary. I allow myself to constantly search for what I believe to be "The Truth." My self-directed form of agnosticism has allowed me to see and experience miraculous things in nature and in life, as well as things that are horrible -- almost beyond what is tolerable. I choose the term "angel" for Blaze, Leo and Barb because it is the word that best describes them.

Buzzwhack.com's 10 words or phrases you should avoid using in a memo or news release...

1. Leading: Virtually every news release claims its company is the leading (put your company's specialty here) in the country. It's not believable anymore. Related words to leave out: Leading edge, bleeding edge, best in class, and Best of Breed (unless you're in the dog business). 2. Collaborative partnerships: Are we supposed to be amazed? Can you actually have a partnership that isn't collaborative? 3. Leveraging our assets: Any company that doesn't "leverage its assets" goes out of business. Everyone already assumes you do. Don't waste their time repeating it. 4. Mission critical: Your product may save us time, reduce errors, solve problems or increase profits, but unless lives are at stake, don't expect the vast majority of people to buy this hype. 5. Robust: It's a term that best describes coffee. Calling a product robust tells the customer little or nothing. Robustness, a new variation, is even worse. Try spelling out the benefits. It's more effective. 6. Ultimate experience: For most of us, the "ultimate experience" isn't something that you can put in a press release or publish in a newspaper, much less put in a memo to the boss. 7. Strategic alliances: Why would you have a business alliance that wasn't strategic? 8. Actionable: Everyone's tired of actionable steps, actionable results, actionable techniques, etc. Avoid the term unless you have to differentiate those items from the inactionable items you're promoting. 9. Web-enabled: If you have a Web site and take orders online, just say so. You wouldn't brag about being telephone-enabled or stapler-enabled, would you? 10. Space: As in "We're in the B2B space." Or B2C space, B2G space, etc.

Things Your Three Year-Old Child Will Never Say

-"Can I borrow the keys? I'm gonna drive up to the store and get some beer." -"This economy is killing my investment portfolio." -"I have to do my laundry tonight." -"This spreadsheet is a mess." -"Yes, um, I'm calling to make a colonoscopy appointment." -"So I arrived at the party, and the first person I saw was Amanda. Guess what? She was wearing the exact dress I had on." -"In a minute honey. The game's almost over." -"That's usually one of my favorite operas, but the tenor was way out of tune tonight."

Another sign that times are getting tougher...

Sometimes...

...You've gotta take things into your own hands.

'George Bush Attempts Friendly Bipartisan Gesture; Pinches House Speaker Nancy Pelosi In the Ass'

Words That Have To Go

Please stop saying, "It's all good," after telling us about something terrible that has just happened to you. It's NOT all good. We can't take it any more!!!

'Man Congratulates Overweight Co-worker on Her Pregnancy'

oops

Have you ever been Plutoed?

Just ran across buzzwhack.com -- a breath-of-fresh-air site dedicated to the misuse and ruination of the English language, particularly in the workplace. Here's a buzzwhack.com Top 13 list of favorite words and phrases overheard and used on the job... 1. blamestorming:  A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves. 2. Death by Tweakage:  When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions. 3. BMWs:  Bitchers, Moaners and Whiners. 4. clockroaches:  Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock - instead of doing their jobs 5. Plutoed:  To be unceremoniously dumped or relegated to a lower position without an adequate reason or explanation. 6. prairie dogging:  A modern office phenomenon. Occurs when workers simultaneously pop their heads up out of their cubicles to see what's going on. 7. carbon-based error:  Error caused by a human, not a computer (which we assume would be a silicon-based error). 8. menoporsche:  Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche. 9. adminisphere:  The upper levels of management where big, impractical, and counterproductive decisions are made. 10. deja poo:  The feeling that you've stepped in this bull before. 11. bobbleheading:  The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. 12. ringtone rage:  The violent response by cube mates after hearing your annoying cell phone ringtone for the 15th time. 13. muffin top:  The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants.

Did you know...

If you unscrew your belly button, your butt will fall off.

In Business News...

'Little Girl Fires Little Girlfriend for Failing to Calculate Correct Metrics to Produce Enough Leveraged Synergy to Architect Effective Sidewalk Lemonade Stand'

So Just Who Is Jack Schitt?

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerly, Crock O. Schitt

The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home - Part One: "The Office"

Today we're going to discuss a topic that has confused women for billions of years: The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home. It has come to my attention that women still have not learned what, exactly, husbands are thinking when they decide to spend their one week vacation at home. It has also come to my attention that more women bludgeon their husbands into hospital emergency rooms using blunt appliances during this sacred week than any other time of year. In Part 1 of the series, we'll look at the day in the husband's office life (the day he filled out his vacation request)... 1- He parks his used, beat-up minivan (which he's stuck with because his wife is driving the kids to soccer in the brand new minivan -- the one with 10 seats and 5 DVD players, located conveniently throughout the vehicle's 2,200 square feet). 2- He trudges into his office building, carrying one-third of a cup of $150 Starbuck's coffee. (He has already spilled one-third of the coffee on the crotch of his worn out khaki pants, and another third on the pre-existing coffee stain area around the place in the minivan where the plastic cupholder used to be, until his 9 year-old son melted it by shining the sun through a magnifying glass to see if the cupholder would really melt). 3- He sets the remaining coffee on his "desk" in his "soundproof" cubicle (until he knocks the coffee cup onto the floor while reaching for the computer mouse, because his mouse cord is so short that he has to lean a foot forward and two feet to the right to actually touch the mouse.) 4- He goes to the men's room to wash the coffee off the crotch of his pants. He comes out of the men's room with the coffee stain still on his pants. His pants now also have a large, soaking wet spot the size of a pizza from his belt down to his crotch. Avoiding eye contact with everyone who is staring at him, he goes back into his cubicle and slumps in his chair. He can't lean back in the chair because the last time he did, the back of the chair broke and he fell on the floor and bruised his tail bone, requiring extensive pain treatment with a heating pad for a month. 5- He goes through his phone messages and e-mails. There is a voice message from his boss telling him he missed a meeting -- which was called suddenly, while he was in the bathroom. The boss asks him if he is OK, because some coworkers said they thought there was something wrong with his stomach, owing to the fact that they saw him bent over, covering his groin area with his arms as he went into the men's room. There is also a group e-mail asking him to contribute the 10 percent of his paycheck that he actually gets to take home to the United Way. He deletes the e-mail, figuring that families like his, which already receive charity from the United Way, shouldn't have to give back the money. 6- During his lunch hour he goes back into the men's room (now that his pants have dried) to try -- again -- to get the coffee stain off his pants. This time he quickly takes off his pants and stands at the sink, running hot water and bathroom soap over the stained crotch area. He knows all his coworkers are at lunch, so nobody will see him. Right at this moment his boss pops out of one of the men's room stalls. His boss stops, stares, shakes his head very slowly, then leaves the men's room. The man quickly puts on his pants and chases after his boss to explain what happened to his pants. But two female coworkers stop him in the hallway to say hi. They start to wave at him, but quickly put their hands down and look away, pretending not to notice that his water-soaked pants are actually dripping onto the floor. He decides it might be a better idea not to talk to his boss until later. At the end of his day the man trudges through the parking lot to his beat up minivan, looking forward to his vacation -- at home, where he can leave his troubles behind...

How To Write for the Web (Part 2)

(Section one): 1) Write in sections.  (End section one.) 2) Break up the sections with pictures... Section 3) Make                               the s   i     t       e                                          easy to NAVIGATE.

How To Write for the Web (Part 1)

Be brief.

Hannah Montana's Real Teeth? Hmm...

This is from photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com ... fast becoming one of our favorite places to browse. Click on the pic for larger version...

Answers to Life's Questions

Q- Which make better pets for guys: Dogs or cats? A- Dogs Reason Why- It's well known among single guys that dogs are "chick magnets." When a beautiful supermodel sees you walking your dog in a park, or a mall, or in church, the supermodel always says, "Hey you. Yes, you. The guy still wearing the tennis shoes you wore in college and, from the smell, probably the same T-shirt, too -- you should wear Right Guard. Hey, is that a wig or your real haircut? Anyway, even though you're just a mere mortal, seeing you walking your dog makes me want to be with you. Now." It is common knowledge that this type of conversation happens every day. Which is why dogs are the best pets for guys.

People With Three Hands, Four Fingers and No Belly Buttons...

For example, click on this image and look closely... It's all at:  http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com ... Enjoy.

Mummy Bores Friends; Takes Two Hours Unwrapping Bandages to Brag About Appendix Scar

The "Global Economy" - Lesson 1

The global economy is easy to understand. Here is the globe: Here is your money (the "economy"): If you have a job, they give you money for doing it every couple weeks or so. (If you don't have a job, getting one is easy: you just go to a company and ask them to hire you. They'll give you a job. Then you can participate in this column.) So, now you have money, which is good. Because you'll need to buy stuff with it. Like a house, food, a Nintendo Wii gaming system, and so forth. Once you have a house and food and a Wii, you'll need to use the rest of your money to buy many other things. The people who make those things live in China. All of them. Here is China.... Oops. Wrong China. Here is the China we meant to show you.... Most of the things you need to buy are in stores -- like Wal-Mart or Target or Home Depot. But these stores have to buy the stuff you want from someplace, so they can put the stuff you want on their shelves. (When stores buy your stuff first, it saves you a long trip to Asia. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.) So, the stores have to "go shopping" first, otherwise their shelves would be empty. All the stores you go to buy their stuff at the world's largest shopping mall: China. They buy their things in China because China charges the stores less money than, say, Michigan. (Michigan looks like a mitten because it gets very cold there. If Michigan took the mitten off, you could see that it is giving China "the finger" for some reason we're not sure of.) Then the stores bring your stuff back from China and add the extra money they want to make to the price of your stuff. The stuff goes on the shelves, and you are free to pick and choose the Chinese item you wish to buy at a lower price than if the store bought your item from, say, Michigan. This process could save you as much as 50 cents on each item you buy. When you save 50 cents and the store makes 50 cents, everyone is happy. This is why our global economy is the best way to do things. (The hell with Michigan.)

Britney Spears Bursts Into Flames From Paparazzi Flash Bulbs

Nearby photographers capture the event on film.

Breaking News: Chinese Call Chinese Food "Food"

Just one of the many things we have learned from today's global economy. (More on the "global" thing soon.)