Things Your Three Year-Old Child Will Never Say

-"Can I borrow the keys? I'm gonna drive up to the store and get some beer." -"This economy is killing my investment portfolio." -"I have to do my laundry tonight." -"This spreadsheet is a mess." -"Yes, um, I'm calling to make a colonoscopy appointment." -"So I arrived at the party, and the first person I saw was Amanda. Guess what? She was wearing the exact dress I had on." -"In a minute honey. The game's almost over." -"That's usually one of my favorite operas, but the tenor was way out of tune tonight."