What you did in the bar last night when you got too drunk...

-Told a girl you'd give her a free table dance. Found out she was actually a biker guy with long hair when he picked up the table and threw it at you. -Ate all the food at the free buffet. Found out you actually ate all the bartender's martini olives from his dish when you immediately had to sprint to the bathroom. - While you were in the bathroom, wondered why there were no urinals. So you asked the screaming lady coming out of the stall. -Forgot all your good pickup lines. May have asked pretty girl to come home with you so you could "show her your itchings." -Told a girl with a really big nose that the surgery will look great when the swelling goes down. -Loaned a guy the keys to your car to go get some beer. -Realized the guy may have lied to about the beer because you were already in a bar, but mostly because your car was gone when tried to leave.

Things Your Three Year-Old Child Will Never Say

-"Can I borrow the keys? I'm gonna drive up to the store and get some beer." -"This economy is killing my investment portfolio." -"I have to do my laundry tonight." -"This spreadsheet is a mess." -"Yes, um, I'm calling to make a colonoscopy appointment." -"So I arrived at the party, and the first person I saw was Amanda. Guess what? She was wearing the exact dress I had on." -"In a minute honey. The game's almost over." -"That's usually one of my favorite operas, but the tenor was way out of tune tonight."

Sometimes...

...You've gotta take things into your own hands.