The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home - Part One: "The Office"

Today we're going to discuss a topic that has confused women for billions of years: The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home. It has come to my attention that women still have not learned what, exactly, husbands are thinking when they decide to spend their one week vacation at home. It has also come to my attention that more women bludgeon their husbands into hospital emergency rooms using blunt appliances during this sacred week than any other time of year. In Part 1 of the series, we'll look at the day in the husband's office life (the day he filled out his vacation request)... 1- He parks his used, beat-up minivan (which he's stuck with because his wife is driving the kids to soccer in the brand new minivan -- the one with 10 seats and 5 DVD players, located conveniently throughout the vehicle's 2,200 square feet). 2- He trudges into his office building, carrying one-third of a cup of $150 Starbuck's coffee. (He has already spilled one-third of the coffee on the crotch of his worn out khaki pants, and another third on the pre-existing coffee stain area around the place in the minivan where the plastic cupholder used to be, until his 9 year-old son melted it by shining the sun through a magnifying glass to see if the cupholder would really melt). 3- He sets the remaining coffee on his "desk" in his "soundproof" cubicle (until he knocks the coffee cup onto the floor while reaching for the computer mouse, because his mouse cord is so short that he has to lean a foot forward and two feet to the right to actually touch the mouse.) 4- He goes to the men's room to wash the coffee off the crotch of his pants. He comes out of the men's room with the coffee stain still on his pants. His pants now also have a large, soaking wet spot the size of a pizza from his belt down to his crotch. Avoiding eye contact with everyone who is staring at him, he goes back into his cubicle and slumps in his chair. He can't lean back in the chair because the last time he did, the back of the chair broke and he fell on the floor and bruised his tail bone, requiring extensive pain treatment with a heating pad for a month. 5- He goes through his phone messages and e-mails. There is a voice message from his boss telling him he missed a meeting -- which was called suddenly, while he was in the bathroom. The boss asks him if he is OK, because some coworkers said they thought there was something wrong with his stomach, owing to the fact that they saw him bent over, covering his groin area with his arms as he went into the men's room. There is also a group e-mail asking him to contribute the 10 percent of his paycheck that he actually gets to take home to the United Way. He deletes the e-mail, figuring that families like his, which already receive charity from the United Way, shouldn't have to give back the money. 6- During his lunch hour he goes back into the men's room (now that his pants have dried) to try -- again -- to get the coffee stain off his pants. This time he quickly takes off his pants and stands at the sink, running hot water and bathroom soap over the stained crotch area. He knows all his coworkers are at lunch, so nobody will see him. Right at this moment his boss pops out of one of the men's room stalls. His boss stops, stares, shakes his head very slowly, then leaves the men's room. The man quickly puts on his pants and chases after his boss to explain what happened to his pants. But two female coworkers stop him in the hallway to say hi. They start to wave at him, but quickly put their hands down and look away, pretending not to notice that his water-soaked pants are actually dripping onto the floor. He decides it might be a better idea not to talk to his boss until later. At the end of his day the man trudges through the parking lot to his beat up minivan, looking forward to his vacation -- at home, where he can leave his troubles behind...