In Business News...

'Little Girl Fires Little Girlfriend for Failing to Calculate Correct Metrics to Produce Enough Leveraged Synergy to Architect Effective Sidewalk Lemonade Stand'

So Just Who Is Jack Schitt?

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerly, Crock O. Schitt

The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home - Part One: "The Office"

Today we're going to discuss a topic that has confused women for billions of years: The Husband's One-Week Vacation At Home. It has come to my attention that women still have not learned what, exactly, husbands are thinking when they decide to spend their one week vacation at home. It has also come to my attention that more women bludgeon their husbands into hospital emergency rooms using blunt appliances during this sacred week than any other time of year. In Part 1 of the series, we'll look at the day in the husband's office life (the day he filled out his vacation request)... 1- He parks his used, beat-up minivan (which he's stuck with because his wife is driving the kids to soccer in the brand new minivan -- the one with 10 seats and 5 DVD players, located conveniently throughout the vehicle's 2,200 square feet). 2- He trudges into his office building, carrying one-third of a cup of $150 Starbuck's coffee. (He has already spilled one-third of the coffee on the crotch of his worn out khaki pants, and another third on the pre-existing coffee stain area around the place in the minivan where the plastic cupholder used to be, until his 9 year-old son melted it by shining the sun through a magnifying glass to see if the cupholder would really melt). 3- He sets the remaining coffee on his "desk" in his "soundproof" cubicle (until he knocks the coffee cup onto the floor while reaching for the computer mouse, because his mouse cord is so short that he has to lean a foot forward and two feet to the right to actually touch the mouse.) 4- He goes to the men's room to wash the coffee off the crotch of his pants. He comes out of the men's room with the coffee stain still on his pants. His pants now also have a large, soaking wet spot the size of a pizza from his belt down to his crotch. Avoiding eye contact with everyone who is staring at him, he goes back into his cubicle and slumps in his chair. He can't lean back in the chair because the last time he did, the back of the chair broke and he fell on the floor and bruised his tail bone, requiring extensive pain treatment with a heating pad for a month. 5- He goes through his phone messages and e-mails. There is a voice message from his boss telling him he missed a meeting -- which was called suddenly, while he was in the bathroom. The boss asks him if he is OK, because some coworkers said they thought there was something wrong with his stomach, owing to the fact that they saw him bent over, covering his groin area with his arms as he went into the men's room. There is also a group e-mail asking him to contribute the 10 percent of his paycheck that he actually gets to take home to the United Way. He deletes the e-mail, figuring that families like his, which already receive charity from the United Way, shouldn't have to give back the money. 6- During his lunch hour he goes back into the men's room (now that his pants have dried) to try -- again -- to get the coffee stain off his pants. This time he quickly takes off his pants and stands at the sink, running hot water and bathroom soap over the stained crotch area. He knows all his coworkers are at lunch, so nobody will see him. Right at this moment his boss pops out of one of the men's room stalls. His boss stops, stares, shakes his head very slowly, then leaves the men's room. The man quickly puts on his pants and chases after his boss to explain what happened to his pants. But two female coworkers stop him in the hallway to say hi. They start to wave at him, but quickly put their hands down and look away, pretending not to notice that his water-soaked pants are actually dripping onto the floor. He decides it might be a better idea not to talk to his boss until later. At the end of his day the man trudges through the parking lot to his beat up minivan, looking forward to his vacation -- at home, where he can leave his troubles behind...

How To Write for the Web (Part 2)

(Section one): 1) Write in sections.  (End section one.) 2) Break up the sections with pictures... Section 3) Make                               the s   i     t       e                                          easy to NAVIGATE.

How To Write for the Web (Part 1)

Be brief.

Hannah Montana's Real Teeth? Hmm...

This is from photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com ... fast becoming one of our favorite places to browse. Click on the pic for larger version...

Answers to Life's Questions

Q- Which make better pets for guys: Dogs or cats? A- Dogs Reason Why- It's well known among single guys that dogs are "chick magnets." When a beautiful supermodel sees you walking your dog in a park, or a mall, or in church, the supermodel always says, "Hey you. Yes, you. The guy still wearing the tennis shoes you wore in college and, from the smell, probably the same T-shirt, too -- you should wear Right Guard. Hey, is that a wig or your real haircut? Anyway, even though you're just a mere mortal, seeing you walking your dog makes me want to be with you. Now." It is common knowledge that this type of conversation happens every day. Which is why dogs are the best pets for guys.

People With Three Hands, Four Fingers and No Belly Buttons...

For example, click on this image and look closely... It's all at:  http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com ... Enjoy.

Mummy Bores Friends; Takes Two Hours Unwrapping Bandages to Brag About Appendix Scar

The "Global Economy" - Lesson 1

The global economy is easy to understand. Here is the globe: Here is your money (the "economy"): If you have a job, they give you money for doing it every couple weeks or so. (If you don't have a job, getting one is easy: you just go to a company and ask them to hire you. They'll give you a job. Then you can participate in this column.) So, now you have money, which is good. Because you'll need to buy stuff with it. Like a house, food, a Nintendo Wii gaming system, and so forth. Once you have a house and food and a Wii, you'll need to use the rest of your money to buy many other things. The people who make those things live in China. All of them. Here is China.... Oops. Wrong China. Here is the China we meant to show you.... Most of the things you need to buy are in stores -- like Wal-Mart or Target or Home Depot. But these stores have to buy the stuff you want from someplace, so they can put the stuff you want on their shelves. (When stores buy your stuff first, it saves you a long trip to Asia. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.) So, the stores have to "go shopping" first, otherwise their shelves would be empty. All the stores you go to buy their stuff at the world's largest shopping mall: China. They buy their things in China because China charges the stores less money than, say, Michigan. (Michigan looks like a mitten because it gets very cold there. If Michigan took the mitten off, you could see that it is giving China "the finger" for some reason we're not sure of.) Then the stores bring your stuff back from China and add the extra money they want to make to the price of your stuff. The stuff goes on the shelves, and you are free to pick and choose the Chinese item you wish to buy at a lower price than if the store bought your item from, say, Michigan. This process could save you as much as 50 cents on each item you buy. When you save 50 cents and the store makes 50 cents, everyone is happy. This is why our global economy is the best way to do things. (The hell with Michigan.)

Britney Spears Bursts Into Flames From Paparazzi Flash Bulbs

Nearby photographers capture the event on film.

Breaking News: Chinese Call Chinese Food "Food"

Just one of the many things we have learned from today's global economy. (More on the "global" thing soon.)